After an affair is discovered, in most cases a metamorphosis begins for the unfaithful spouse.

Up until that time he/she may have been carrying on as if nothing was going on. They were stealthy in their ways and they thought they would never get caught.

Then it happens. The affair is discovered. It could have happened any number of ways; an undeleted text or email, an overheard phone call or perhaps they were caught red-handed.

Regardless, this is when the post-affair-discovery metamorphosis begins.

This post will give you an idea of what sort of phases you can expect the unfaithful partner to ‘pass through’ after their affair is discovered. I’m guessing that most of you have seen or experienced this first hand and can relate to what I’m about to share.

Keep in mind that these phases are derived from experience – both my own and from others I talk with – and are not based on research or any psychological or therapeutic principles.

One might experience all or none of the phases or elements within each phase and/or they may carry elements over into another phase or in a different order. Additionally, it’s hard to say in all cases how long each phase will last. Some folks will linger longer than others and some will even skip certain phases.

Phase One: The 'Tangled Web We Weave' Phase – This phase is all about deception. When the unfaithful gets busted, most of the time they will attempt to practice the art of deception in its many dubious forms:

Denial
Covering up the truth
Lying/Trickle Truth
Secrecy
Gaslighting/stonewalling
Misplaced blame and anger
Minimizing the affair relationship – “We’re just friends.”
Excuses, rationalizations and justifications for the affair
Rewriting the history of your relationship/marriage
Possibly continuation of the affair is taking place

Phase Two: The 'I Need a Fix' Phase – More commonly referred to as the withdrawal stage. This is where the affair has ended by some means and the cheater is in a funk. They are missing their affair partner and are feeling the effects of being cut off from the ‘high’ that the AP provided. I believe this is the phase where most relapses occur. In this phase the cheater may experience the following:

Anger
Resentment
Blame
Depression
Easily shuts down during discussions and/or arguments
Reminiscence
Emotionally withdrawing/distancing
Ambivalence
Missing/longing for their affair partner. They feel they need to contact the AP.
Quiet – not talkative

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Phase Three: The 'Hamster Wheel' Phase – This frustrating phase is often where nothing seems to be happening. There’s no progress in the relationship and the unfaithful isn’t doing anything to make the situation any better. Lots of wheel-spinning going on. This may be the phase where many marriages either make it or they fall apart and the CS never continues to the next phase as a married person. Here are some common traits of this phase:

Doesn’t want to talk about anything affair related
Just wants to “move on.”
Desire to sweep things under the rug
Short temper
Seems to just be going through the motions and not really emotionally involved
They may have feelings of guilt, remorse and self-loathing to some degree
Stonewalling
More ambivalence
May make some attempts at reengaging with the CS
May start to really understand the damage that the affair has caused but doesn’t necessarily do anything about it.

Phase Four: The 'Head Out of the Ass' Phase – This is when the unfaithful who wants to reconcile starts to ‘get it’ and figure things out. It’s obvious that the affair is truly over and they are doing their best to try and rebuild all that they have destroyed. Here is what you might see:

Greater feelings of guilt and self-loathing
Will provide details and answer questions about the affair
Open to individual and/or joint counseling
Being transparent in word and action
Truly regret their behavior and the damage the affair caused
Begins to reflect and be introspective
Begins to make personal changes/showing growth
Remorseful and atoning for misdeeds
Open to self-forgiveness but may still be difficult for him/her
No residual feelings for AP and realizes fantasy aspect to the affair
Desire to reconnect, rebuild and re-commit

Phase Five: The 'Every Thing is Just Peachy' Phase – In this phase, the ex-cheater is feeling good about things. Trust has been rebuilt to some extent, the relationship seems to be going great and the future of the marriage is very promising. It’s important not to get lazy though. Here’s what to expect:

Continued personal improvement/development
May get a bit complacent in their marriage building efforts
There may be some backsliding towards past relational habits
If the BS brings up the affair, wanting to talk about it, the ex-cheater may either do so without issue or may be reluctant and even have a “You’ve got to be kidding me – that’s in the past!” attitude.
Continued transparency
Proactive, effective communication
Still may have some residual self-forgiveness issues
Committed to the marriage and intimate monogamy