Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum
Rabbi Kestenbaum is the author of "Olam Hamiddos,” "Olam Ha'avodah,” “Run After the Right Kavod,” and "The Heart of Parenting.”
Rabbi Kestenbaum works with children, teens, and parents. He now has offices in Passaic, NJ. and Cedarhurst, NY. He can be contacted at [email protected] for private appointments or parenting workshops. His shiurim and past articles can be found at heartofparenting.com and waterburyyeshiva.org.
Chutzpah and Communication
By Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum
Waterbury, Connecticut
It is important to understand that typical chutzpah when an adolescent is upset about something is simply the child’s unsophisticated way of communicating his feelings to his parents. For example, a girl upset at her mother for her perceived shortage of clothing may say in anger, “You are so mean and cheap. You never buy me anything. Everyone else’s mother buys them ten times more clothing.”
Parents tend to get wrapped up in the chutzpah and focus their attention there. In our example, the mother will say, “You are being very chutzpahdik. I don’t care what other mothers do. You should be grateful for what you have.” The mother addresses the chutzpah, but completely ignores the core issue bothering the child – her aggravation over her lack of clothing.
It is interesting that all the marriage guidance I have heard over the years seems to instruct a spouse to address the pain of the other – even when delivered in less than ideal fashion. For example, if a wife would angrily complain to her husband about the size of their house, we wouldn’t tell him to refuse to talk to her until she speaks nicely. Rather, we would tell him to say something like this: “I am sorry that you feel that way. Let us discuss what we could do about the situation.” Yet, when it comes to kids, who should have far less self control over their anger, we seem to advocate far less tolerance.
As with marriage, we must see beyond the chutzpah and look at whatever is bothering the child. It is important to realize that the child is communicating to us; he is just not mature and developed enough to communicate in the proper fashion. To simply shut him down is shutting down the vital communication necessary for us to build a relationship with our child. The proper response in our example might be, “I am sorry you feel this way about your clothing. When you are ready, I will be happy to discuss what we can do about it.”
Parents who overreact to chutzpah might inadvertently shut down all lines of communication. The child is likely to be resentful that his feelings are being ignored and will stop expressing himself to his parents. Communication with chutzpah is a million times better than no communication at all.
Parents who pride themselves that their child is never chutzpahdik must determine whether the child is communicating and sharing feelings respectfully or whether the child has shut his parents out of his life. If the latter is the case, then the lack of chutzpah is just a lack of communication altogether and nothing to be proud of.
Like we have mentioned in the past, once a child becomes an adult, the chutzpah will dissipate. The question is what will be left behind – a close parent-child relationship or a very weak one. We must always keep our eye on the big picture, not just moment-by-moment behavior.
The chutzpah we are seeing today has a bright side. Children are more comfortable than ever expressing themselves to their parents and elders. We need to capitalize on this fact to build stronger relationships that will give us the ability to be a powerful influence on our children’s lives. By calmly and intelligently responding to their chutzpah, we will ultimately bring them to the point where they can express themselves maturely without chutzpah. They will one day be better husbands and wives, as we have role modeled for them how to communicate effectively.
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TEASERS
Communication with chutzpah is a million times better than no communication at all.