Top Ten Myths About the Other Person
The other person is more attractive/younger.
There is a pervasive myth in the American culture that the other woman is a gorgeous femme fatale with a model-like stature. The tabloids probably perpetuate this myth with all of the famous men splashed across the pages who turn in their wives for younger models every ten years. But, these famous, wealthy men make up less than 1% of the population. How does the rest of the country behave?
Renowned therapist and Rabbi M. Gary Neumann stated, “Eighty-eight percent of cheaters said the mistress was not better looking or in better shape than their wives." (1) It's safe to say that almost all mistresses are neither more beautiful nor gifted with more attractive bodies than wives. What about the other 12%? Well, considering this is a self-report on the part of the men, I would guess they are still in the affair fog, or, they might be extremely wealthy men who can find a partner who is disproportionality better looking than themselves. So, don't worry about the other woman's looks. She is clearly not all that.
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It's all about sex or the fact that they are better in bed.
When your spouse has an affair, this is the part that likely keeps you up at night. You imagine that somehow the other person has been magically endowed with skills that you may not have. Or you might imagine that an affair was all about sex and this was all that mattered. Is it true?
M. Gary Neumann also added:
In my study, only seven percent of cheating men said they were after the sex as compared to 48 percent who reported it was the desire for emotional connection that drove the impropriety. When men feel emotionally disconnected at home, too many make the horrifying choice to find it somewhere else instead of working to reconnect with their wives. Often, they too are surprised at how their emotional friendship turned into something deeper and physical when that was not their original intention." (1)
Once again, the other person did not possess any type of magic in bed and the affair was not even about sex at all. The affair was about emotional connection and your spouse's failure to communicate in ways with you that fostered connectedness. This is especially true in the cases of emotional affairs that don't turn physical.
This also says a lot about your spouse and his or her interpersonal skills, mid-life crisis, and/or self-esteem and once again says nothing negative about you. But, sometimes even good men are caught off guard and this is incredibly unfortunate.
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The other person is your spouse's soul mate.
I have read instances where betrayers marry the other person. (This is rare, by the way). The excuse that I have seen the most is that the person's first spouse was not their soulmate but that the other person was. They convince themselves that what they are doing is right because why should anyone pass up a life with a soulmate? This is a fallacy on so many levels.
Let's take a moment to look at the concept of soulmate. A soulmate has different definitions depending on which source you read and a soulmate can be a spouse, a friend, a relative, or even a pet goldfish. Others believe soulmates are two people who were destined for each other.
But, I have a different version of the soulmate concept. Your soulmate is whomever you choose to marry and have a family with. Your soulmate is someone who helps you grow as a person, put off selfish thoughts and behaviors, and someone with whom you work things through. A soulmate helps you become a better version of you.
Under this definition, an affair partner can never be a soulmate. When affair partners call each other soulmates, this is absolutely bogus and immature. Real relationships cannot be based on a foundation of harming others. Nothing good ever comes from harming others and soulmates are certainly not made by harming others.
So, even to consider that the other person could be a soulmate is to degrade this beautiful concept. Soulmates are not equal to having an intense relationship (that will eventually burn out anyways). Soulmates are the stuff of monogamy, loyalty, and positive growth. Affairs destroy and therefore an affair partner is quite the opposite of a soulmate. Remember this the next time your partner is lying to himself or herself by calling the other person a soulmate.
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The other person is a good person who just got involved in something bad.
If you have ever surfed the She's a Homewrecker website you will see thousands of other women (and men) who are absolutely NOT good people who simply got involved in something bad. There are many women who apparently see poaching married men as a sport.
The pattern I am seeing is that they don't care whom they harm and also usually leave (or are left by) the married (or coupled) man after they have done sufficient damage to his marriage/relationship. Most of these other women are not from the higher rungs of society. In fact, I have only seen two 'other women' on this site who are professional women. (Surprise, surprise, these professional women poached other women's husbands at work).
On the other hand, I think that good men can be led astray by these types of bad women. It may sound sexist, but I have seen too many examples of otherwise good men, who had no intention of cheating, being led astray. So, your spouse is probably a good person who made a very, very big mistake. Plus, since men and women are truly different, sex is seen in a very different light by men.
When men have told me their deepest thoughts, they seem to view sex with a scarcity mentality. They fear going through dry spells—they fear being in sexless relationships—they fear not being able to have meaningful sex for any extended period of time. (And such a situation is tantamount to being without air. Isn't that pathetic?)
One otherwise very good man that I spoke with said his basic needs are air, water, and sex. This fellow did not cheat on his wife, but his marriage did end because of the lack of sexual connection. So, all men have a weakness in this area, whether they are good or bad, and other women know how to masterfully exploit it. These are not good women.
Let's talk about another reversal: what about the husband who is cheated on by his wife? Are these 'other men' good types who got involved in something bad or are they bad types to begin with? Once again, the 'other men' have the same scarcity mentality.
A woman has to have a very weak moral compass (or be very troubled) to cheat on her husband in the first place. The other man is like a lion and is simply taking advantage of the situation. That is, someone other than the lion trainer walks up to a lion cage and throws a steak through the bars. What will the lion do? He will eat the steak.
I know all of this contradicts what I said in the first two points, but here, I am talking purely about the sexual element itself within the affair. While people cheat to get emotional needs met, if there is a sexual element and if it is a physical affair, then the unique sexual wiring of men becomes relevant.
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The other person wants to break up your marriage and marry your spouse.
This all depends on the situation and the context within the affair. For example, after the cheater's website Ashley Madison looked at their data and read profiles, they found that a lot of married, professional women were on the website looking for a fling or a no-strings-attached affair partner. They also found that many of these women stated in their profiles that they had no intention of leaving their husband or breaking up another's marriage. There were so many of these women that Ashley Madison took note of this new kind of affair that is occurring among highly educated, professional women.
But then there is the other type of woman who does want to break up your marriage and have what you have. I believe women like this have a lot of narcissistic traits as well as profound insecurity issues. They do not have the emotional grounding, good qualities, or even know-how to acquire what they want and so they go after what another woman has, thinking the affair will get them what they want or think they need.
These women are deeply flawed to begin with and are just creating another unhealthy situation for themselves. In the process they are destroying the lives of others, but they truly don't care. Their insecurity causes them only to look at their own needs and their brokenness drives them to do unhealthy things regardless of consequences. It is all about them. The good thing is, since roughly 90% of men don't leave for their mistresses, you have the advantage—that is, if you want to work it out with your husband.
Then, there is the fact that most affairs begin at the office. I believe the female coworkers that look for affairs generally make up these two types of women.
For the guys out there: what about when your wife cheats with the 'other man'? Does your wife want to leave and does the other man want to break up your marriage? Judging from Ashley Madison findings, it would seem many women do not want to leave their marriages. But, anecdotal evidence suggests that men understandably have a hard time forgiving when their wife transgresses and so unfortunately a marriage might be doomed by a wife's affair.
One man told me that he breaks his back providing a house, food, clothing, and security for his family. Thus, when his wife cheated, it was the biggest slap in the face he could ever imagine. In his mind, he was doing everything for the sake of his family and so her affair became the ultimate betrayal. To him, it was a literal hit below the belt.
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Your spouse means what they say to the other person.
Once again, let's talk about the affair fog. The affair fog makes people say the strangest things. The feelings caused during an affair are generated by powerful neurochemicals that have sometimes been compared to drugs like heroin. When a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, they say and do things that are contrary to what they would say when they have a clear head.
The affair fog is the ultimate drug. But, the problem with the affair fog is that this is a drug that has staying power and it's free. A person can be on a constant high for a couple of years during the affair. They become chemically addicted to the other person because they associate the other person with their high and that person becomes their source of a high. Like a drug addict, they go back for another hit, again and again. Sometimes they tell the other person that they are in love. Sometimes they say they will leave their spouse. But, this is just the affair fog talking. Once the fog lifts, all of those utterances and promises disappear like vapor in the morning sun.
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The other person is not picky about with whom they cheat.
There is anecdotal evidence that would imply that the other person can be very targeted when it comes to luring a spouse away from their partner. This is especially true in the case of the other woman.
Before women get married, a good portion of them are looking for a man who is in the top 70% or so. The higher the status the man, the more in demand he is. These men have lots of opportunities and choices. It would be great if the opportunity and choices ended after they got married, but that is not the case.
Some women do not see any men as off-limits and a wedding ring is sometimes an attractant rather than a deterrent. After all, he has passed another woman's test and has been 'vetted' to ensure he is marriage material. Unfortunately, women who do not have a strong moral compass don't want to do the hard work of finding and attracting a single man who is high status or who would make a good husband. These women are called spouse poachers because they are happy to poach what is not theirs with no concern for the family or the harm that will be caused to the children involved.
The irony is that women who do these things are bad people and would make horrible spouses. Yet, they usually know how to play a game and present themselves as better than the wife. Some husbands fall for it and others don't. We hear about the ones who do fall for it because these women cause maximum damage.
Let's talk about the 'other man' now. Anecdotal evidence would suggest that men who have affairs with married women are not very picky. They usually don't want to take the place of the husband or have the 'burden' that another man's children would bring. These men are less likely to be spouse poachers since they don't want to take the place of the husband.
These men are likely seeing more than one woman at a time and another man's wife just happens to be another notch on such a man's bedpost. This bodes well for men when their wife cheats because when it comes down to it, the other man may not put up a fight when things are discovered. He has other options and he too does not care what havoc he has wreaked on a family.
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The other person, if married, has a terrible marriage.
Statements about terrible marriages on any side are really red herrings. These beliefs are inaccurate from the beginning because they place the blame on something outside of the cheater. They lead victims to chase a reason that in fact leads nowhere and never gets to the heart of the matter.
Rabbi Schmuley Boteach says,
In truth, men have affairs not for physical reasons but emotional ones. They cheat not out of a sense of confidence but out of a state of brokenness. Not out of a sense of how desirable they are but out of a sense of what failures they must be. The attention of other women brings a momentary silencing of the inner demons who constantly taunt them with whispers of their own insignificance. " (2)
Rabbi Boteach points to the idea that it is always about the man and his mindset, not about the marriage. What further complicates this is a common behavioral pattern in men. So, we can't really consider the other person's marriage or not here since that's a red herring.
So what about men? Many men are terribly frightened of disappointing their wives or not being 'man enough'. They sweep their internal pain under the rug. But, because they have placed themselves in a kind of double bind where they repress their pain, but cannot speak to their wives about it for fear of being ashamed, they need an outlet. The other woman serves as that outlet and they often confess their deep heart to her.
Since they are not married to her and since he other woman is often willing to soothe him, he gets hooked. This is all about a man, his implied inadequacies, and the shame he feels when thinking of approaching his wife. After all, for many men, especially those over 50, they were reared to be the strong, silent type. Strong, silent types are the ones that wives and children depend on. But, on whom can they depend?
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The other person is a random stranger.
This is absolutely false.
Dr. James Dobson of Focus of the Family notes that,
The new infidelity occurs between peers who first become emotionally attached, having no thought of physical involvement. Men and women who work closely together under stressful conditions can quickly become attracted to each other. They often share interests and think nothing of spending time over coffee or lunch getting to know one another. Nevertheless, lunch between married friends, no matter what their intentions, can have unanticipated and dangerous consequences. One researcher calls this new kind of affair the 'the cup of coffee' syndrome." (3)
Indeed, it seems that almost all affair partners are met within the workplace or within a professional context. While it has been a real blessing to have women in the workplace, it has also been a curse.
I recently heard from a therapist that during an average week, a man likely spends more time speaking with female coworker(s) than with his wife. (This probably holds true for a woman and her make coworkers as well).
Since we know the workplace is the number one place where affairs start, it is wise to take measures and set boundaries with your partner to prevent these things from happening. I recommend that the following activities are off limits in a one-on-one situation between coworkers of the opposite sex:
- coffee breaks
- lunches
- personal details about one's life or marriage
- and anything that should be shared with a spouse first
Topics like movies, funny stories, what you did with your family or spouse, and things like vacations that you took are always fine to discuss at work. But most serious conversation topics should be kept to your spouse and this is especially true when you are speaking about topics from deep within your heart.
Setting these boundaries and sticking to them is so important. After all, I saw a statistic that showed one in two men in South Korea have an 'office wife.' Since these office wife or office husband relationships can usually turn sexual, it's important to be very clear on where the line is so that neither you nor your spouse crosses it.
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Your spouse cheated with the other person because he/she is not in love with you anymore.
Now let's consider the case of Brian and his wife Anne because this type of affair really is the most disheartening for women to wrap their heads around. Brian, who was deeply in love with his wife, affirmed that cheaters can have both deep love for their wives, great marriages, great sex and still cheat. He said prior to his affair that, “I was always under the belief that affairs happened to people in either bad marriages or where there's no sex going on. And because we had both of those things, I was really unaware of how easily I could slip into an affair." (4)
Brian had several female friends/coworkers and like many men, he assumed all was above board and that he was 'safe' because of the love he had for his wife. Unfortunately, even though things were above board and he was happy in his marriage, he started to develop an emotional attachment to a friend and that was where the trouble started.
These cases present a duality because on one hand, the man is deeply in love with his wife and has an incredibly satisfying marriage—but on the other hand, he is developing a deep emotional connection to another woman that has nothing to do with his wife. In these cases, it is possible for a man to compartmentalize their feelings for each woman.
Since Brian and the other 90% of men stay with their wives, that goes to show that love has always been there and the affair was more about the compartmentalization of feelings and rationalizing and the affair did not reflect on the man's feelings for his wife. His affair took him by surprise, so I can only imagine how his wife felt.
Eric Anderson, in an article for the Washington Post adds, “My research shows that young men don't cheat because they have fallen out of love with their partners. Rather, they cheat simply because they desire sex with someone else, even if they want to preserve their relationship." (5)
Alarmingly, sometimes affairs, especially the one-night stand kind, could be as simple as that—a man momentarily desires someone else and so he unthinkingly follows that instinct. When men do this, they really are giving in to the lowest part of themselves and when they do this they should be ashamed of themselves. They are following an incredibly harmful urge without thinking twice. Such unthinking behavior has devastating consequences for everyone involved. When will men learn that scratching an itch or giving in to a particular whim just isn't worth it?
As a woman, I admit this is one thing I will never be able to wrap my mind around. I will also never be able to understand why men think they need a variety of partners. Such is the difference between men and women. So, the ultimate paradox is, yes, men can be deeply in love with their spouses and still have affairs.
In Summary
Thank you for taking the time to read this material. I hope that this list has been helpful for you and has done a little to dispel common myths about affairs. It's unfortunate that affairs happen, but the reassuring part is that there is hope and there is recovery in store for you.
Most of all, I hope that you have realized the affair never reflected on you as a spouse. I am sure you are feeling a lot of pain right now and can find solace in those around you as well as the community on this website. I wish you a speedy and solid recovery!
For Further Reading
http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/why-do-good-people-cheat/
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/learning-why-men-cheat-from-marriage-counselor-gary-neuman/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-cheating/2012/02/08/gIQANGdaBR_story.html