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THE BEST OF CHRIS SHEPHERD



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About The Author

I'm Chris Shepherd, a professional dating coach for professional men. ​

Since I started working as a dating coach ​back in 2006, I have helped thousands of men improve their dating lives. I have been featured in Playboy Magazine, the Toronto Star, the CBC, CityTV and numerous other publications. 

Over time, I realized that while general strategies to improve your dating life can be effective, the best results come from a personalize perspective that focuses on self-improvement, confidence building and growth. 

Currently, I can be found online at www.chrisshepherd.org​

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Chapter #1 Attraction

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Why Playing "Hard To Get" Doesn't Work

There’s a weird idea out there that gets pushed by a lot of dating gurus.

It’s the idea that if you want women to see you as a strong, “alpha” guy with options, you have to play hard to get.

I swear, every week I get an email from a guy that goes something like this:

I’ve been trying to make things happen with my coworker for the past three months, and it’s finally working. This week, she texted me to see if I wanted to play tennis. (!!!)

I wanted to play hard to get, so I waited 3 days and then told her tennis is for losers and she probably sucks anyway.

She hasn’t texted me back.

What went wrong? 

Was I too needy and available?

Ok, I’ll admit that above quote is a bit exaggerated, but you would be surprised by the stuff I’ve seen guys do to “not look needy”.

These guys believe that showing any sort of authentic romantic interest in a woman is the greatest faux pas you could ever make.

Men who buy into this concept often wind up getting lots of interest when they

first meet a woman.

But, because they don’t feel comfortable showing their desire, women eventually lose interest in them.

As I explain in my Theory of Attraction​​, attraction in women is the feeling of being desired by a powerful man she can trust. 

That means, once you’ve established yourself as confident a guy with inner power, you need to show desire.

“But Chris! What if you show interest in a needy way and creep her out?”

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You’re absolutely right that you don’t want to come across needy – neediness is the kiss of death for attraction.

Here’s a good analogy to understand the line between desire and neediness. 

If you haven’t eaten for days, and someone offers you a hotdog, that’s neediness.

On the other hand,

If you have just eaten a great meal, and someone shows you the most delicious dessert ever – that is desire*. 

Put another way. Desire comes from a place of abundance. Neediness comes from a place of scarcity.

When you get this intention right, you’ll find that showing desire to a woman who is into you is actually a powerful way to build attraction.

Go out, and try it. You will not be disappointed.

(*) P.S. I know some people will object to the fact that I have just compared women to food. I honestly can’t think of a better analogy. 

How to Start a Conversation with a Girl You're Interested In

The First Step is Just Breaking The Ice


One of the most common questions I get from guys in the 18-22 age group is “How do I start a conversation with a girl I am interested in?“.  I know how painful it can be for a young man to be shy and unable to start conversations with the girls you meet at university or at parties.

I remember when I SUCKED at this, and my life wasn’t that fun.

When I was 19 I moved to Toronto (the big city for me) from a small town, and I made a point of going to all the parties I could.  But I never knew how to talk to the girls I was interested in. And so I hung out with the same group of friends, at every party, and I didn’t really meet new people. My social life was stagnant and it felt like a prison.

When learned how to reliably start conversations with strangers, my life changed. I started meeting new people. I started having more fun, and I started being the guy that people would invite out to parties because I was now introducing THEM to new people. I became a social connector and

people suddenly wanted to be around me.

So here are five tips you can use to start a conversation with a girl

you’re interested in.

#1 – Warm Up

If you want to start a conversation with a girl you’re into, you need to be in a fun, chatty mood.

You can’t do this if you’ve been sitting in a corner overanalyzing things or brooding all evening.

The best advice, is to warm up by starting 4-5 conversations with

regular people earlier that day. That will get you in the right mood so you’re friendly, chatty and able to make good conversation if things work well.

#2 – What you say doesn’t matter!

Most guys, when they’re asking me for advice for how to start a conversation with a girl, are looking for some secret formula. They want a line that will work 100% of the time.

And you know what? Lines like that don’t exist.

In fact, one thing that I have realized is that what you say is not nearly as important as how you say it.

You may have heard the old claim that 90% of our communication is non verbal.

What that claim *actually* means is that 90% of our *impressions* of a person are based on non-verbal communication – not the words they actually say.

So a guy who says something verbally impressive with bad bodylanguage​ will be seen as unimpressive. (Picture an insecure guy bragging about his Porsche – not impressive!)

But a man who says something unimpressive, with great bodylanguage and presence, will be perceived as impressive. (Picture a guy at a bar joking about how his mom is going to be mad at him for staying out late – he comes across likeable and confident).

So, you can start a conversation with something mundane, something silly, even

something embarrassing. What matters most is that you have the right mindset.

On the other hand, if you start a conversation with the wrong mindset then even the “coolest” thing you could say won’t work.

In fact, trying to THINK about what to say is the most sure way to cause yourself to freeze up and to get anxious – and that will hurt your bodylanguage and presence.

So don’t worry about what you say. Be in a good mood, be warmed up, be givingoff a positive energy and then the right thing to say will come to you.

#3 – Don’t Try to Start a Conversation by Asking “What’s Up?”

Ok, having said that, there is ONE line that you should definitely not use.

That line is: “What’s up?”

“What’s up?” is just super low-effort conversation.

“What’s up?” really means “Hey, I want to talk to you but I have NOTHING to say. How about YOU start a conversation with ME?”. Or “you’re cute but my brain isn’t working right now.”

Also, watch out for other lines that are *like* what’s up. Lines like:

How ya doing? Having fun? How’s it going? So, what are you girls up to tonight? Heyyyyyyy…..

Etc. All these lines mean “Hey what’s up?” and they’re lazy.

#4 – Bring a positive energy.

So, if you’re not going to say “hey, what’s up?” what do you say? The first piece of advice is to come to the conversation with a positive energy and with a sincere desire to bring fun to everyone.

If you have that mindset, you’re going to say the right things, you’re going to have the right bodylanguage and just give off the right vibe.

The best conversational starters have that positive energy, and involve you

sharing what you are thinking (instead of asking what’s up).

It could be something very simple like “you guys look like you are having an awesome time”, or something more engaging, “Ok, you have to help me settle this – do my friend and I look like brothers?”

The point here is that you don’t need to be a superstar to start a conversation –

you just need to do a bit better than “what’s up”.

 

#5 – Try starting a conversation with a girl by being direct

Another mindset to take is to just share what you are thinking by telling a girl you’re interested in what you thought of her. Usually I advise guys to say something like this:

“Hey, I saw you back there and I like your style, you have this classy vibe going on. Are you (related question)?”

With this line, you can replace “classy vibe” with “creative”, “sporty”, “intellectual”, “badass” or any adjective that sounds like it would fit her style. This opener will hit the best if the word you use reflects what she is trying to communicate to the world.

Another simple but direct line is:  

“You’re really cute, I’m Chris”

If you watched my other video on the secret of attraction​, you would know why being confident and showing interest in a non creepy way works well.

The key to making this “direct” approach work is having good bodylanguage and being confident. She’s going to decide very quickly whether she’s intrigued or not, so delivery is very important.

This is a higher risk opener, and you don’t want to use it at work or in many environments, but it’s a great one, especially if you are at a social event and you notice her checking you out.

Summary

So, just so you remember, the five tips are:

1# – Warm Up

#2 – Don’t over think it – What you say doesn’t matter as much as your mindset when you say it.

#3 – Don’t say “What’s Up?”

#4 – Try being positive and open

#5 – Try being direct

And while it’s always better to just say what’s on your mind to start a conversation, you can also use the following lines in a pinch:

“Hey, I saw you back there and I like your style, you have this classy vibe going on. Are you (related question)?”

or

“You’re really cute, I’m [name]”

Anyway guys, now you have 5 tips you can use TONIGHT to start a conversation with a woman you are interested in.


Chapter #2 Confidence

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The Easy Path in Life


Lanna Chaing Mai Kickboxing School​

On my first day at the Thai Boxing camp in Chaing Mai, we started by jogging around the neighbourhood a few times, through the gravel roads, mango groves and narrow alleys of Thailand’s second biggest city. It was 35 degrees, and I was badly out of shape after several weeks of sitting on beaches and drinking cheap rum. After twenty minutes or so of running, we got back to the camp compound, and started jumping rope, to keep our heart rates up.

Our instructor, Tae-Win, was a Thai man of about fifty years old, who

had a gentle face, but his body appeared to be made of living gristle. He walked in front of us as we skipped.

“New guy!” he called to me “You pick today: five minute jump rope, or ten minute jump rope?”

We were only about twenty minutes into the practice and I could already feel my dehydrated brain rattling around in my head. I was kind of worried about what I had gotten myself into. I didn’t know if I could handle ten minutes more of jumping rope, so I replied “Five minutes!”

“Ok, everybody! Fifteen minute jump rope!”

I was confused, did I hear him wrong? I looked around, the other people in the class rolled their eyes at me.

“First lesson!” Tae-win called out “Easy path is hard, hard path easy”.

I learned later that it was a game he plays with every new student. He gives two options, one easy, one hard.  If you pick the easy one, you fail and he gives you something even harder.

“No easy way in Muay Thai”, Tae-win explained to us as we stood there, skipping.  “Can’t leave ring. You get knockout, or you win. Knockout no fun. Injury no fun”.

Tae-win was right, of course. In Muay Thai, you can’t take the easy way out. You can’t hide in a corner, or jump out of the ring and say forget it. If you even flinch or try to catch your breath, you’re leaving yourself open to attack. You have to push your way through everything your opponent throws at you. I know this from experience.

But life works the same way.

Some people live with the dangerous desire to find a safe place and make things easy for themselves. They’re going after a safe job, a safe place to live, a safe relationship, and once they have found that easy path, they’re going to let their guard down, chill out, and relax. They’re going to enjoy their comfort.

It doesn’t work that way. 

No matter where you are in life, you are still in the ring. Trying to take the easy path in life is like sitting in the corner of a Muay Thai match with your guard up. You might feel safe for a bit, but you are not. Life is out there, and life is not always just or benevolent. In fact, it lurks just outside your comfortable life, ready to knock you out.

I can’t tell you how many students I’ve had that though they had it. They had good jobs, relationships, a house. They thought, “I’m set, let’s relax”. So they got out of shape, stopped growing, and sat on their asses for a few years. Then, all of a sudden, boom. Maybe it’s a divorce, losing their job, or realizing they were badly underwater on their home, but suddenly they realize they’re still in the ring, and life just gave them a Muay Thai elbow to the face. 

What’s the solution? Don’t listen to that little voice in your head that seeks safety and comfort. Instead, make a conscious effort to do things the hard way, by challenging yourself and pushing yourself – even if that little voice in the back of your head says you don’t need to. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life – it just means you can’t be lazy about enjoying life. 

The hard way means you need to put yourself out there. You need to challenge your assumptions, and get over your “sticking points​“. You need to push yourself, and not wait for things to come to you. You need to take control of your destiny. This is the hard way, but it’s not an unsatisfying way. In fact, it’s much more satisfying than living the easy life.

The hard way is eating healthy, working out, getting out of your comfort zone, taking action, developing real self confidence​, and being assertive in your relationships. The easy way is eating junk, getting out of shape, staying in your comfort zone, not learning, and being passive in your

life. The hard way leads to growth, wealth and health. The easy way leads to diabetes, a social security scooter, and an ex wife that hates you. Which one is really easy in the long run?


The Real Secret to Confidence (That Nobody has Told You Yet)


I remember being nineteen years old in my first week of University when I first heard the advice to “just be confident” when talking to women. Before I started figuring things out for myself, “just be confident” and “just be yourself” were the only two pieces of dating advice that I had ever really gotten, and it was frustrating because it didn’t give me any sort of real guidance on what I should actually do.

After all, how do you really be confident? As a 19-year-old, I hadn’t really achieved anything except getting into a good university, which only made me equal to every single person on campus. I was skinny, awkward, untested, unsure of who I was and what my talents were. I had no real foundations on which to base any sense of accomplishment. I saw other, more confident guys on campus, and wondered: “what do they have to be

so confident about?” It took me many years to realize this secret, that I’m going to share with you now. Hopefully this will save you a lot of the trouble that I went through. Before I tell you the secret though,  you have to realize the error that most people make. Most people with low-confidence and low-self esteem, think that confidence is about thinking you’re good at something, and self-esteem is about thinking you’re a good or worthy person in general. They think it’s about having “high value” or whatever. These people have it all wrong.

The girl who looks in the mirror and says “I’m pretty” and feels good

about her self has the same problem as the girl who looks in the mirror and says “I’m ugly” and feels bad. Their real problem is the compulsive need to look in

the mirror to reassure themselves. The only difference between the two is that one gets her fix, and the other doesn’t.

It is the habit of self-judgment, more than the judgment itself, that characterizes people with low self-confidence and low self-esteem. It’s that habit of going into your mind and demanding reassurance that you are good or worthy that is the root of low self-esteem, and its mirror image, arrogance.

So what is REAL confidence, and REAL self-esteem? 

True confidence and self esteem are about not judging yourself at all.

 Confidence is a state of non-worry, of being present and occupied with the world as it is, and not as it ought to be, or as we judge it to be. True self-esteem is the state of accepting oneself, for good and for bad. You can only do that if you change the habit of judging yourself.

I’m not saying that you should be oblivious to yourself, or whether you’re a good person or a bad person. There is a role for non-judgementally evaluating yourself. But a confident person doesn’t think about these things compulsively. The confident man does what he believes is right, and is not

overly concerned with how others judge him. He seeks to control that which he can control: his own actions, emotions and motivations, and then accepts the things that he cannot control, such as the inevitable judgments of other people.

After all, if we allow our self-esteem to be reliant on the judgments of other people, we are really making ourselves the victims of the meanest, most judgmental people in society.

Let me provide an example. I am a confident singer and guitar player. This is despite the fact that my talent at those two things is rather middling. I’m not confident because I think I’m great; I’m confident

because I know I’m not horrible and I’m not really worried much beyond that. So I can get up in front of people, and sing my little heart out without worry or anxiety.

But in order to be confident, in order for me to truly enjoy and put my heart into

the act of singing, it’s not simply enough that I consider myself good – I must stop even asking the question.

Today, instead of worrying whether you’re good or bad, worthy or unworthy, direct your attention and focus outwards, towards the world in front of you, and watch your confidence increase.

 

10 Steps to Real Self Confidence

 Earlier this week I made a post about the real secret of confidence​ – and if you want to build your confidence you should check that out first. But the kind of confidence that I was describing in that post is really the endpoint of a long process. So to help you along that journey, here are ten steps you can start taking today, no matter how poor your self confidence is or how much doubt you feel. I present to you, Ten Steps to Real Self Confidence.

1 – Take care of yourself.

When we like something, we want to take care of it. And when we take care of something, we tend to value it more. Taking care of yourself is an important and crucial element of having true self confidence and self-esteem. This doesn’t mean being narcissistic or always putting yourself first, but rather treating yourself with dignity and care. Eating well, dressing well, working out, learning all create a strong foundation for true self confidence. Eating poorly, being sedentary, and allowing ourselves to stagnate undermine our ability to create the foundations for confidence.

2 – Challenge yourself

Going out and pushing your limits is a powerful way to improve your sense

of self-reliance, and self confidence. It is only by being challenged by reality, either in the form of a struggle against nature, or struggle against other human beings, that we truly test our abilities and skills. Playing video games, watching movies, debating on the Internet, even

studying at school don’t provide us with the real, reality tested experience that is required to achieve excellence and self confidence in the real world. That experience, can only be attained by going out and challenging yourself.

3 – Compete

Most of us have grown-up in a world where all the kids receive a medal just for showing up. Competition is now seen as a negative thing to be avoided. And competition has its negative elements. The focus on winning, on defeating or humiliating your enemy, or avoiding the humiliation of defeat yourself is counter-productive. The virtue of competition is is that a real, competitive, match teaches you more about yourself, your abilities and what you are capable of than any kind of practice. The value of competition is in the way it teaches us about ourselves, victory and defeat are secondary.

4 –  Control what you can control, and Accept the Rest

One thing I’ve noticed about people with low self confidence is that they tend to be unnecessarily harsh on others. The habit of judging, of ascribing “good” and “bad” to people is often a very counterproductive habit. When we criticize others, we implicitly open ourselves up to the same criticism. When we suspend judgment, and accept others, make it easier to accept ourselves.

I sometimes wonder if the world would work better if we just eliminated the words good and bad from our vocabulary. Instead of saying, “Bob Smith is a bad president”, we would have to think a little deeper and say something else, like “President Smith has increased the deficit, and that’s going to make things hard in the future” or simply “I don’t like President Smith”. We would have to make falsifiable statements instead of broad judgments about people, or admit that we are simply stating an opinion. In the end, I can’t think of a single situation where the use of the word good, or bad, is necessary, or superior to

making a more nuanced statement. Labeling things as “good” or “bad” is often just lazy thinking, especially when applied to oneself. 

5 – Meditation Cultivates Self Confidence

My father taught me to meditate when I was 14 years old, and while I have always been inconsistent in practicing meditation, it has helped me through many of my most difficult periods. Learning how to quiet the mind enables you to listen more closely to your feelings, deep-seated beliefs, anxieties and

doubts, and once you are aware of them, meditation is very helpful in confronting these inner obstacles, and overcoming them. The habit of non-judgment, particularly, benefits from the practice of insight and meditation. Meditation helps you sort the wheat from the chaff, to identify the real problems in her life and to let that which doesn’t matter truly slide.

6 – Be aware of your self-image

Everyone has, in the back of their minds, an image of themselves. This image is not the real you, it is a model, an idea of your self that has been built up over time and often controls your behaviour. This image is usually shaped more by our experiences in childhood than a rational assessment of who we really are. Things like changing your style up and dressing a bit better can improve your confidence by improving your self image. But simply being aware of your self-image, how you let it affect you, is an important step towards changing that self image. 

7 – Focus on your strengths.

Ultimately, I believe self confidence comes from not judging yourself. But it can be helpful to bring to mind the things which you believe you are good at, your strengths. Write them down, and when you find yourself thinking poorly of yourself, you can use these things to distract yourself, and break the habit of negative self judgment. However, remember that fundamentally, self confidence does not require any kind of special qualities on your behalf.

8 – Deny yourself

Oftentimes a sense of insecurity is caused by an over attachment to objects or

people, or other transient things that come or go. A man whose confidence depends on his job will always fear losing his job. A man whose confidence relies on his skill with women will fear rejection, old age, and loneliness. A man who has learned how to live without these things can still appreciate the enjoyment that comes from money, success, admiration, without fearing their loss.

Going without something we love or care about can make us more independent

and self-sufficient, and makes our confidence more durable and sustainable.  Simply spending a week without spending money or a week alone in contemplation can help us realize that happiness does not in the end come from money, or even other people, but truly comes from inside.

9 – Cultivate your own values, and live by them.

Values are relative. If there’s anything that philosophy has taught us in over 2000 years, it’s that good, insightful people often disagree completely on simple issues of right and wrong. Given the state of moral confusion that we live in, it is literally impossible to live up to other people’s values, because everyone disagrees. Conservatives, christians, liberals, and atheists all have value systems that contradict one another, and even contradict themselves. But the one thing that people respect, from any value standpoint, is integrity.

This doesn’t mean being a total anarchist or rejecting social norms. It also doesn’t mean you should take up a narcissistic, and self-serving set of values. But it does mean that your values should come from an internal process of reason, rather than any desire to please or to be seen as good by others. Once you have established these values, hold yourself consistent to them, and you will be acting with integrity.

10 – Don’t Judge Yourself

The final step to real self confidence is, having established a strong foundation and base for our belief, simply stopping worrying about whether we are good or bad or worthy and accepting ourselves for who we are.  As I explained in my previous post on the real secret to confidence, confidence is not about judging yourself to be good: real confidence is simply not judging yourself at all​.

Chapter #3 Dates

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Six Reasons Why Women Flake on Dates. (And how to deal with it)

You’re excited.

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You ought to be excited; you have a date tonight and she’s gorgeous. You got her phone number a few nights ago at the swanky club downtown. At first she seemed intimidating and aloof, but by the end of your conversation she seemed totally into you. You had things in common. She had a good sense of humor. So you called her the next day and made plans to go out tonight.

So now you’re in your apartment, ironing your favorite shirt. You run your

hand over your face to make sure you didn’t miss a patch when you shaved a few minutes ago. You can faintly smell last night’s curry wafting in from the kitchen, and you remind yourself to take out the trash.

Your phone buzzes, it’s a text message.

 – Hey! I don’t know if I can make it tonight. Maybe some other time? 

 Ouch! You just got flaked on, and it sucks.

But you shouldn’t worry – flaking is a fact of life for any guy who is putting himself out there and meeting women in everyday life. If you go on more

than 5 first dates a year, you’re going to get flaked on once in a while, and knowing how to roll with the punches is something you’ve got to learn.

So, why did she flake on you?

There are six main reasons why women flake on dates, and the good news is that only one of them means she doesn’t like you.

1)   Because she had a bad day, and she wants to be in top form for your date.

As a guy, the more I like a woman, the more excited I’m going to be for a date, and the more likely I’m going to show up, even if I’ve had a bad day. Heck, for some women, I would probably rouse myself from a coma, pull out my feeding tube and fight my way out of the intensive care ward if I thought there was a good chance that the date would go well. But most women don’t feel that way. The more they like you, the more likely they’re actually going to bail on a date because they’re having a bad hair day, or just feeling down.

2)   Because she read in Cosmo that she should.

A woman can learn a lot about a man by flaking on the first set of plans. You can find out how confident he is, and if he’s laid back or needy, by the way he reacts. You can also screen for men who actually like you.  Especially for particularly beautiful women, who get asked out a lot by random guys, flaking on the first set of plans is probably an easy way to filter out the less confident guys from the more confident ones. Now, I’m

not sure if it’s Cosmo that advocates this, or The Rules, or if it’s just a tactic spread by word of mouth, but a lot of women seem to flake on the first date as a strategy.

3)   Because it’s that time of the month.

Some women just don’t want to go on dates at certain times of their cycle. This is often the case when a girl flakes and it seems like it’s completely out of the blue.

4)   Because her friends want to hang out.

It would be nice if every woman you scheduled a date with liked you enough that she was willing to ditch her friends to hang out with you, but that’s just not the case. Also, it’s different for women than it is for men. As a guy, if I tell my buddies that I’m ditching them for a hot date with a beautiful woman I met at a bar, I’m probably going to get a high-five. But, if a woman says she’s ditching her girls to go on a date with some dude she met at Sleazerston’s Pickup Bar, she

might very well get some attitude from her friends.

5)   Because she doesn’t feel comfortable yet.

Getting a woman to come out on a date with you is usually a matter of feeling comfortable with you, and feeling like the date won’t be awkward or creepy. In order to make her feel comfortable, sometimes you need to take your time and talk to her and build more comfort, even if the attraction​ is already high.

6)   Because she actually isn’t that into you.

Usually if you have a woman’s number and she’s actually answering the phone and making plans with you in the first place, she is into you. But sometimes that’s not the case. Keep in mind though, this is only ONE of SIX reasons why a woman might be flaking, and it’s not even the most likely one.

So, what do you do if your date flakes?


First, you should treat a casual first date plan as an option, not a priority​, so you don’t get too emotionally invested in a date happening at a certain time.

But beyond that, the best way to deal with flaking is to NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. Go on with your life, call your buddies and watch the game, or get some work done. When you talk to her again, let her know that the flake was not a big deal. After all, you’re a busy guy with a lot of stuff to do anyways right? As long as you act relaxed, confident and non-needy, she’s going to actually feel MORE comfortable around you, once you’ve handed this little obstacle properly. If you get needy or whiney or negative in any way, you’re going to KILL attraction and you will probably never get a second chance for a date.

If you liked this post, I have another post entitled “Never treat someone like a priority if they treat you like an option”.​


Why you shouldn't say "I don't want a relationship right now."


One of my students recently reached out to me with the following problem.

I took some training with you 3 months​ ago, and have been going out regularly since then. A month ago I met an awesome girl and finally after two dates and a few weeks of texting we hooked up last week. Things were going well but I felt like I had to let her know that I like her, but I don’t want a relationship right now.

She didn’t take it well, and now I think she might be mad at me. I haven’t heard from her all week. What should I do? – Andre from Vancouver

First, let me say congratulations for being honest. You like being single, and you don’t want to hurt this woman’s feelings, so you were straight up with her about your intentions. That shows integrity.

But you also screwed up. “I don’t want a relationship right now” is a phrase that has caused a lot of conflicts and breakups, and it’s a lousy way to frame a casual relationship. Let me explain.

The problem with this phrase is that “relationship” means different things to different people.

Depending on the context, it could mean;

“I just want a one night stand, and I don’t want to call you in the morning.”
“I don’t want to be your GF/BF, I just want something casual (but

affectionate).”
“You’re giving me needy vibes like you want to be my BF, and it’s turning me off – please change.”
“I don’t like you and I don’t want to hook up with you.”

Most of the time when a guy says this to women he means “I like you but I don’t want to be a full-service boyfriend that you call all the time.” And sometimes it means “I want to be able to date other women.”

There are plenty of women who are cool with casual relationships, and plenty who are ok with open relationships. But even women who are into open relationships react badly when a guy says “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

That’s because to a woman “I don’t want a relationship right now” usually means “After we have sex, I’m going to ask you to leave and I don’t want to ever see you again.”

That’s why this phrase is a game killer. It’s the ambiguity around the world relationship.

If you want to be picky and technical about it, you have a relationship with everyone you interact with more than once. I have a relationship with the girls at the coffee shop, my hairdresser, I even have a relationship with my blog readers. It’s not a serious romantic relationship, but it’s a relationship.

And that’s why “I don’t want a relationship right now” sometimes comes across as “get lost” to women.

The other problem with “I don’t want a relationship right now” is that is usually isn’t true. After all, if you met someone you really liked​, would you not be open to a relationship? Most guys would say yes.

So what do you say when you don’t want a relationship?

The first thing you need to do is be clear and specific about what you want. So

think about it – what would your perfect relationship be like? What would make you want to keep seeing this person? If you can visualize it, and describe it, you can share it with the person you’re interested in and make it work.

So, instead of saying “I don’t want a relationship right now”, you might say;

I’m not looking for anything serious right now. Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re awesome and I like hanging out with you, I just really enjoy my freedom.

“I’m not looking for something serious” is a much better way to frame a casual relationship. Also, make sure you make her feel desired​.

What do you do if you already screwed up?

I replied to Andre privately in email, but the advice is the same for everyone who is in a similar situation.

Get in touch with her and let her know what you actually want.

Let her know you like her, and that when you said you weren’t looking for a relationship it wasn’t because you weren’t interested in her at all. Be honest. If you actually had chemistry, and she feels the same way you do, then you have an excellent chance of getting things back together again.

The Secret to Reviving a Stagnant Social Life

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The Secret to Reviving a Stagnant Social Life

Stagnant Social Life

One of the worst feelings you can get is that feeling of stagnation.

When your social life stagnates, it starts to affect your entire world.  You might feel uninspired, unmotivated, like you’re in a rut that you can’t get out of. You feel bored… bored of everything.

When this happens to you, you might procrastinate on your plans, or fall back on old, counterproductive behaviours.

Or you might grow frustrated, feeling like you just need one more thing – maybe a partner, maybe some support – to achieve your goals in life. But that thing never comes, because you have no variation in your life.

Often, people don’t realize it, but stagnation starts in your social life. After all, if you were meeting new people, surely new and interesting things would be happening to you. But when your social life stagnates, your career and your personal growth stagnates too.

So, what’s the secret to reinvigorating your social life?

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein

The secret is understanding there are two worlds that you can choose to live in. One is a place of comfort and order. It’s easy to live in, but it tends to become stagnant and stifling. The other is a place of discomfort and unpredictability, but in the end it’s the place that has all the opportunity. 

Your job – as the master of your own destiny and the man who is the hero of his own life – is to venture out into that land of opportunity and find the things that will enrich your world.

The Comfort Zone

So, where is this land of opportunity? Where is this place where the cool people you want to date live, where you can find new friends and new business opportunities? Where is the place where you could find all sorts of new “stuff” to help you reinvigorate your life?

Simply put- that space is “outside your comfort zone”.

You see, your comfort zone is a behavioural space where your activities and behaviours follow a routine that you are familiar with. It’s the space where you know what you are doing, where you are comfortable, and where everything is ordered and safe. 

Staying inside your comfort zone is:

  • ​Only taking on jobs or responsibilities you KNOW you can do.
  • Going to the same bars and social functions that you always go to.
  • Only doing activities you KNOW you like (because you do them all the time).
  • Hanging out with the same people all the time. Not reaching out to new people.
  • Avoiding things you think you won’t like or be good at (even if you don’t know if you’ll like them).
  • Allowing a fear of failure to control your behaviour.
  • Avoiding risk in social situations, staying quiet or sticking to “safe” conversations​.
  • Most of all, the comfort zone is about doing things that are safe and low-risk.

Staying inside your comfort zone has some great benefits. Life is easy inside your comfort zone. It’s predictable. You feel safe and you don’t experience anxiety.

But it’s also boring. If you don’t venture out on a regular basis, the space inside your comfort zone can become stagnant, grey and depressing.

Sometimes the walls of the comfort zone start creeping in on you, making your world smaller and smaller.

When you leave your comfort zone, weird stuff happens. Things you don’t expect happen. You are forced to learn and adapt and sometimes things work out great, and other times they don’t go so well. Often, you need to deal with anxiety and fear to cross that border.

But what’s remarkable about going outside your comfort zone is how WORTH it it is.

When you go outside your comfort zone you get some amazing benefits.

You find new opportunities – Whether it’s a new job or meeting a new person to date, you’re going to find better opportunities outside your comfort zone.
You’ll be more productive – Working outside your comfort zone is exciting and challenging, and you will get more done.

You’ll have an easier time dealing with new and unexpected changes – Stepping outside your comfort zone is how you develop your creativity and problem solving ability.

You’ll find it easier to push your boundaries in the future – Getting outside your comfort zone trains you so that you can overcome your anxiety more easily in the future.

Most importantly: You will be happier and see the world in a new light – because you’ve grown and learned new things while you were outside your comfort zone.

Getting outside your comfort zone can be hard. You want to go outside your comfort zone in a controlled way – don’t jump straight into the deep end. You want to break it down into small manageable steps so you see progress. A guide can also be a huge help for leading you outside your comfort zone in a way that leads to the most growth with the least pain.

So, in conclusion: ask yourself – what can I do to step outside my comfort zone today?

If you’re interested in getting a guide to help you get outside your comfort zone and expand your social life and dating life, I have great news for you.

I am now taking clients in Toronto for personal 1 on 1 dating coaching. If you’re a man who wants to get outside your comfort zone, revive your social life, and learn to be the kind of man who has choice in your dating life, then this coaching is perfect for you.

In this coaching, I’ll take you through a personalized step-by-step process to get you out of your comfort zone. You’ll quickly find yourself talking to and dating

the kind of women you really want to meet. It takes the entire process of dating

and breaks it down into small, manageable steps so you can see improvement on

a week-to-week basis. And if you don’t live in Toronto, you can still register for phone coaching to be done over Skype.

Take Action

If you are looking to upgrade your social and dating life, register now for a 1 on 1 consultation 

BOOK A CONSULTATION