In first grade, Ms. Richardi called me out in front of the whole class for being elbow deep in my nose. I now know that what I experienced in the moment following Ms. Richardi’s enthusiastic expose’ was shame. At six years old, however, and although I could spell “because” with unhindered confidence, I did not yet have the vocabulary or cognitive capacity to take mental note in that moment that: “yes, of course, what I’m feeling right now is shame.”

Instead, I was entirely overwhelmed, disturbed, and overcome by a feeling that I had theretofore never consciously experienced. To have had the word “shame,” to be able to name my experience, would have provided me a life-vest on which to cling and compartmentalize. But here I am, age twenty-three, and this episode was so overwhelming – so beyond words – that it burnt into my story and lingers like an afterimage.

One of the ways in which I characterize my-self is sensitive. Anyone who has been close to me can confirm this; however, the reality that is

"When I was 13, I spent most of my life sick from PopTarts and daydreams."

This is a recycled line from a short story I wrote a few years ago, but I think it works for my actual 13-year-old self. All day long I would escape into my head, searching for some form of newness. But I never got it, so I watched Dawson's Creek and ate PopTarts instead.

Today, I feel like my 13-year-old self  --tired, jaded, and daydreaming about what my life could look like if God finally answered the prayer I've been praying for seven years. Unfortunately, there are no PopTarts. They're too expensive. Blessed be the parents who buy PopTarts for their kids.

I don't have any insights for you today, only a longing that David expresses in Psalm 40, a longing for renewal.

When we pick up in Psalm 38, we find David fighting against a heavy sickness. He seems to think that the

sickness is punishment from God because of his “sin” and “guilt.”

Psalm 38

1 O Eternal One, please do not scold me in Your anger; though Your wrath is just, do not correct me in Your fury. 2 The arrows from Your bow have penetrated my flesh; Your hand has come down hard on me. 3 Because Your anger has infected the depths of my being and stolen my health, my flesh is ill. My bones are no longer sound because of all the sins I have committed. 4 My guilt has covered me; it’s more than I can handle; this burden is too heavy for me to carry.

While I don’t think that The Lord uses physical health to punish us, I do believe that God uses this moment in David’s life to teach him a lesson. The brevity of life.

Psalm 39

4 “Eternal One, let me understand my end and how brief my earthly existence is; help me realize my life is fleeting. 5 You have determined the length of my days, and my life is nothing compared to You. Even the longest life is only a breath.” 6 In truth, each of us journeys through life like a shadow. We busy ourselves accomplishing nothing, piling up assets we can never keep; We can’t even know who will end up with those things.

David is on his death bed, staring down the end of his life, and he's starting to question what he has to show for his life. His position as King, his riches, his wives, all of his armies, none of it has brought him satisfaction and fulfillment. He sees how small and futile it all is. But then David has a realization.

Psalm 39

7 In light of all this, Lord, what am I really waiting for? You are my hope. 8 Keep me from all the wrong I would do; don’t let the foolish laugh at me. 9 I am quiet; I keep my mouth closed because this has come from You. 10 Take Your curse from me; I can’t endure Your punishment. 11 You discipline us for our sins. Like a moth, You consume everything we treasure; it’s evident we are merely a breath.

David says like a moth, God consumes everything we treasure. Why? Not as punishment. But as liberation.

“Near Jehovah to the broken of heart, And the bruised of spirit He saveth.”

It literally says that the righteous (people trying to live God's path) have a whole bunch of flaws and mistakes, but God will make the righteous free of every one of them. It is literally said in the Bible even before Jesus that so long as we're trying our darndest to live a Holy life, God will lift us above our sins. Awesome and super comforting.

Back to Psalm 33.

In the spring semester of my freshman year, I jumped out of a tree at 12 a.m. on a Tuesday and upon impact my knee exploded. (Truth is I’ve forgotten the Truth of what “actually” happened, but if you meet me for coffee I’ll lay bare the standard narrative. Cross my heart.)

So anyway, after the ol’ knee folded in on itself, and because I was consigned to a couch for a few weeks, I found myself reading again, something I enjoyed as a kid but stopped consistently doing in the hormone induced preoccupation of adolescence. In short, the knee injury proved a sort of perverted grace in that it brought me back to literature.

In reading some really good stuff, I found something that my soul craved – identification; to be known, seen, and understood. And because I felt I identified with the really good stuff, I suffered from the delusion that I too could conjure poetry like the poetry I read.

Which is how I learned that poetry is not produced, but given as a gift like

As an INFP, my INTJ roommate should win an award for having such a high emotional capacity with me after she battles a long day of school and work. For those of you who don’t know yet, my roommate is Malarie, and she is awesome. Here’s how a typical night goes in our apartment.

While our other two roommates sleep like responsible working adults, I come home and sit on the stool at the counter, my head in my hands. I’m probably telling myself I should drink some water and Malarie is probably cooking something amazing.

Malarie: “How was your day?”

Gabi: “alkjfoeijfa oijd flakjoie jaoiej flakjd foiej aflejk foiejf lsk j”

Those incoherent words symbolize the emotions that Malarie now has to process through or at least pretend to while she adds basil and onions to her dish.

I invite you to read Psalm 27 the way I read it this week. Give yourself 10 minutes of quiet; no phone, no tv, no distraction.

Read it through one time, slowly.

Next, identify what is your “enemy” in this season of your life. For me in this season, it’s my self-doubt. That small voice that underlines my every thought and action that tells me that I’m not good enough, not qualified enough, not loved enough. Meditate on what that enemy is. Stare at it straight in the face.

Now, read the psalm again, but this time whenever there is a reference about David’s “enemies” or “adversaries” replace it with your enemy.

Let David’s words send us off today with a fresh sense of hope and confidence, with a renewed sense of trust in the process and the journey that the Lord has us on.

Once again in the psalms, we find David navigating the loving and judgmental characteristics of God. In Psalm 25, he is crying for God's merciful nature (verses 7-11) and in Psalm 26, he asks again for mercy (however in a much more colorful way, haha) when the "sentences" are handed down (verse 1).

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…” (Psalm 23:4 ESV)

“He restores my soul” (23:3)

“You prepare a table for me” (23:5)

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no

Psalms 19:9 “The fear of Jehovah clean, standing to the age, The judgments of Jehovah true, They have been righteous--together.”

Psalm 20:7-8 “Some of chariots, and some of horses, And we of the name of Jehovah our God Make mention. They--they have bowed and have fallen, And we have risen and station ourselves upright.”

Psalm 21:11-12 “For they stretched out against Thee evil, They devised a wicked device, they prevail not, For Thou makest them a butt, When Thy strings Thou preparest against their faces.”

So, I get the sense here that David has written a series of praises for a victory in battle. These show the faith David puts in God and how much he believes in God's power. It so easy to attribute our success or victories to ourselves and our skills and talents while asking God to help in the hard times, which frankly is a little contradictory because all victories come out of times of strife. And if we're asking God for help in times of strife, then aren't the victories a result of His help?

"He bent the heavens and descended;
   

 inky darkness was beneath His feet.
He rode upon a heavenly creature, flying;
    He was carried quickly on the wings of the wind.
He took darkness as His hiding place—
    both the dark waters of the seas and the dark clouds of the sky.
Out from His brilliance
    hailstones and burning coals
    broke through the clouds.
The Eternal thundered in the heavens;
     the Highest spoke; His voice rumbled .
He shot forth His arrows and scattered the wicked;
    He flung forth His lightning and struck them.
Then the deepest channels of the seas were visible,
    and the very foundations of the world were uncovered
At Your rebuke, O Eternal One,
    at the blast of wind from Your nostrils."

"You lift me up on the wind; you make me ride on it,

    and you toss me about in the roar of the storm."

This week in our Psalm readings, I want to work backwards.

Psalm 17

6 I am crying aloud to You, O True God, for I long to know Your answer. Hear me, O God. Hear my plea. Hear my prayer for help.

In Psalm 17, we find David feeling abandoned by God. Pleading that God would just show up.

Psalm17

1 Listen, O Eternal One, to my cry for justice. These words of mine are true—turn Your ear toward me. 2 Announce that I am free of all the charges against me—only You can see into my heart to know that to be true. Treat me with fairness; look at me with justice. 3 You have searched me—my heart and

 soul—awakened me from dreaming and tested me. You’ve found nothing against me. I have resolved not to sin in what I say. 4 The path violent men have followed, I will not travel. Violence is not my way.Your ways and Your voice now guide my journey. 5 I will press on—moving steadfastly forward along Your path. I will not look back. I will not stumble.

David starts to list all that he’s done to prove himself worthy in the eyes of God. We’ve all been there; we’ve all experienced this moment. “God what have I done to deserve this distance?”

Here’s the thing…it’s relatable, but it’s also terrible theology. God is always with us, within us, around us, and nothing we do or do not do can change that. David knows that, but in this moment all David feels is emptiness, darkness, and distance. It’s in this moment that I think David should reflect on his own words.

Psalm 16

5 You, Eternal One, are my sustenance and my life-giving cup. In that cup, You hold my future and my eternal riches. 6 My home is surrounded in beauty; You have gifted me with abundance and a rich legacy. 7 I will bless the Eternal, whose wise teaching orchestrates my days and centers my mind at night. 8 You are ever present with me; at all times You go before me. I will not live in fear or abandon my calling because You stand at my right hand. 9 This is a good life—my heart is glad, my soul is full of joy, and my body is at rest. Who could want for more?

So much to say and so little word count left. Here’s just one thought; Do we ever stop and take the time to revel in all that God IS IN in our life? And I don’t just mean the big things (the jobs, the relationships, the ministries), but the little things. The breathe we get to breathe. The taste

Psalm 13-15 "The Righteous and the Wicked"

“In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me: ‘Flee like a bird to your mountain. For look, the wicked bend their bows; they set their arrows against the strings to shoot from the shadows…’”

As I was doing a little research on these psalms, I discovered that in Hebrew the texts are read together to form something called an acrostic poem. An acrostic poem is a type of poetry where the first, last or other letters in a line spell out a particular word or phrase. Unfortunately, I don’t read Hebrew, so I’m not sure what it says. They also repeat Selah a few times in this psalm. The word Selah is mentioned 71 times in psalms. The authors use it as an exclamation, usually after a verse. It is believed that David wrote this poem after a victory over the Philistines.

Psalm 9 speaks more toward a lifting up of the good the Lord does when he is present and moving in people’s lives. It describes how He saves us from our enemies. It is a heartfelt thanksgiving for the good He has done.

Verses 1-2 say, “ I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."

Psalm 10 seems as though it is a lamenting at God. He is not present in

The first thing that stuck out to me here was the titles of the two psalms. Psalm 7 starts "the erring one" while Psalm 8 starts "to the Overseer." (As always, I'm using Young's Literal Translation if you're not seeing what I'm seeing.) It's striking that one of these starts by referring to himself and the other to God and yet both place him on some level below or subservient to God. As I worked through both psalms, I started to see that in the different situations, David still showed a respect and awe for God that permeated his beliefs.

“Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?" (NIV Psalm 6:2-3

Psalm 1

Psalm 1 sets the stage for all of the Psalms. The pursuit of wisdom and the expression of the human experience, that’s ​what we’re in for over the next few months. As I read this passage over and over​,​ I hear my
mother saying to me when I was a child, “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”

1 Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

My mom’s words still ring true to this day. There was a time in my life when I walked in the counsel of the wicked. The friends that I held close ​I loved dearly,​ ​but there came a day that my eyes opened and I realized
that the path they were walking would only lead to self destruction. And I realized that it was possible for me to genuinely love them and care for

them, but also remove them from a place in influence in my life.

2 His delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.

I’m reading from ESV, and my translation says the “law” of the Lord. I don’t know about you, but I hear the word law and my skin crawls just a little bit. What does that even mean? Are we talking about the ten commandments, levitical laws, old covenant, new covenant, noahic covenant, abrahamic covenant, etc​.?

Whenever I get hung up on a word in the ​Bible​,​ I try to get “underneath” the word, read other translations, and​ try to get to the heart of what the writer was trying to say. Here’s how it reads in the VOICE;

2 For you, the Eternal’s Word is your happiness. It is your focus—from dusk to dawn. 3 You are like a tree, planted by flowing, cool streams of water that never run dry. Your fruit ripens in its time; your leaves never fade or curl in the summer sun. No matter what you do, you prosper.

Whoa. I can chew on that. Jesus - the Eternal Word, is my happiness. Not only my happiness, but my life source. In Jesus, no matter what I do, I can prosper.

Psalm 2

Okay, here’s me being honest. This is a hard read for me. My cultural context is so different than the writer of the Psalms. For me, the idea of